abridged by: Numinous
lifted from: Numinous Was Here
(Konoha Scene)
(Sai hands an iPod to Sakura)
Sai: If you're in doubt about what to say to him, just listen to the "How to conquer your man." by Yuna!
Sakura: Wow, really? Thanks a bunch! (starts to hear to the iPod track)
Yuna's voice in the iPod: Hey, Yuna's here! You might know me from various "How to" tracks, like "How to wear boots with a kimono", "How to whistle like a dork" and "How to summon a giant bird while falling". But now, I'll teach you how to conquer your man! You know I had several men wanting to be my lover, like Seymour Guado, Gippal and that New Yevon Chairman's son that never showed up. But I always stayed true for my love, *Insert random name here, but probably is Tidus*, even if he wasn't real and peeked too much Lulu's breasts, and even if he disappeared for 2 years and came back with a plot hole. Yes, that's my kind of commitment! Now, before your man disappears into thin air like mine, go talk to him right now! And, just for the case, grab two of your most fruity friends and buy them the most sissy dancing garment. Buy yourself a sexy dancing garment, again, just in case.
Sakura: That's it! Sai, go grab Lee, let's shop... and bring Kiba just to cover it up.
Sai: What?!
(Land of Iron Scene)
Sakura: Naruto... there's something we need to talk...
Naruto: ...?
Yuna's voice in the Ipod: Now make him feel good, like saying you love him because he's popular and you didn't cared for him when he was a nobody... oh, and say that he's your second pick, men love that, it worked so well with *Insert random name here, but probably is Tidus* when I was kissing Seymour. Don't forget the sentimental speeches!
Sakura: (thinking) Okay. (speaking) I love you!
Naruto: Wha..?! What did you just say, Sakura-chan?! I think I misheard you, say it again.
Sakura: As I said, Naruto, I love you! Sasuke-kun doesn't mean anything to me any more! I don't know why I could love anyone like him... I'm confessing to you here, so listen to me.
Naruto: But why...? How come...? If you're joking, then this isn't funny at all... Sakura-chan.... Just... What the hell happened to you...?
Sakura:Nothing, really... I just opened my eyes... I don't need to love someone who is a missing-nin and a criminal, do I? I'm not going to be a child forever. I'm going to look reality in the eye. So, Naruto... I don't need your promise any more. Won't you stop chasing Sasuke...?
Yamato: What is... (Kakashi stops him; thinking) Aw, no that I could to something cool...
Naruto: What happened to you, Sakura-chan? Why did you so suddenly change your opinion of me...
Sakura: I'm telling you, I don't need it any more! I've fallen in love with you, with all my heart, that's why. (Naruto recalls a scene where Sakura loved Sasuke; Sakura hugs Naruto)
Kakashi: Sakura, are you... (thinking) Drunk?
Sakura: I've just grown apart from Sasuke-kun... But you've always been at my side, Naruto. You cheered me on... I've realized... how you really are. You're a hero who protected the village. Everyone in the villages loves you now.... I've just become one of them... You were that mischievous dead-last... but little by little you've grown lovely and handsome... You were close to me so I saw it. But Sasuke-kun keeps committing crimes... It just breaks my heart... He's just become someone distant to me.
Naruto: ... (thinking) She's joking, right?
Sakura: But Naruto... When I can touch you like this... I feel at peace... I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart...
Naruto: Cut the bullshit, Sakura-chan... I told you I can't laugh at a joke like that.
Sakura: why are you getting mad? I've just moved on from Sasuke to you...you know what they say, a woman's heart is like Autumn skies...
Naruto: I... I hate people who'd lie to themselves! (Sakura cries a river)
Yuna's voice in the iPod: If the conversation didn't work, try singing and dancing! Men love women that shake their goods! If you don't know any songs, play karaoke with this track!
Sakura: (yelling) Sai, Lee, put on your costumes!
Naruto: Wut? (Sai and Lee put some weird dancing clothes)
Sakura: Ready?! Then show me your moves!
Sai & Lee: Yes!
Kiba: You don't mean...?
Sakura: Yes! (puts up the Songstress dressphere) ♪What can I do for you?! ♪
Naruto: WTF?!
Kakashi: Oh God, gouge my eardrums out!
Yamato: I'm with you, Kakashi-senpai.
(One flashy J-Pop song later)
Kakashi: Am I dead?!
Yamato: No, you're alive, Kakashi-senpai.
Kakashi: Godamnit!
Naruto: Now I get it! You just gone completely crazy!
Sakura: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Yuna's voice in iPod: If nothing worked, go the nearest window and threat him that you're going to jump!
Sakura: (thinking) But...
Yuna's voice in IPod: DO IT!!!!
Sakura: (goes to the room's window) If you don't take me seriously, I'll jump!
Kakashi: If you fall, you'll die! Normally, anyone on this manga would survive without a scratch, but you failed so much in this chapter that you'll surely die!
Sakura: Don't worry, I'll survive. (Everyone but Sai shakes their heads in negation) Believe it!
Naruto: Hey, that's the last drop, copying my English dub lines? Now I really don't want to have you around!
Yuna's voice in the iPod: If still he doesn't buy it... JUMP, B*TCH!!! (Sakura jumps) Now summon Valefor like I teached in "How to summon a giant bird while falling"!
Sakura: Oh shi- (she dies, crushed in the street's floor)
Kiba: OH MY GOD, SHE KILLED HERSELF!
Sai: (grabs his walkie talkie) Mission accomplished.
Hinata's voice in the walkie talkie: Excellent. In exactly 5 seconds an Hypello should deliver the tickets.
Random Hypello: Hello, I'm representating mishter Tobli in hish new party! Don't confusate mishter Tobli with Tobi from thish manga, yesh? You're all invitated for "Shakura ish finally dead" party in Kumogakure, it'll be the biggesht shelebabration on thish manga!
Naruto: But she died just 5 seconds ago! That's cruel!
Random Hypello: The ramen ish good, plenty and free!
Naruto: When does it start, dattebayo?!!!!
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Also Read This!! Another SPOOF From Numinous
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Naruto Chapter 12 Abridged Version
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Naruto Chapter 60 Abridge Version
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Naruto Chapter 12 Abridged Version
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Naru-Saku, Naru-Hina, NaruSaku, NaruHina, NaruSaku Pairing, NaruHina Pairing, Naruto Pairing War
